


please, don't leave (me)

by yasi



Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: Coda, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-26
Updated: 2020-03-26
Packaged: 2021-02-28 22:54:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 715
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23325076
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yasi/pseuds/yasi
Summary: Another coda for the episode on 24 March 2020. Ben's pov.
Relationships: Callum "Halfway" Highway/Ben Mitchell
Comments: 2
Kudos: 72





	please, don't leave (me)

**Author's Note:**

> dedicated to aga. i hope this isn't too painful! <3

Ben doesn’t expect this reaction from Callum. He'd thought Callum would lecture him, looking at Ben with his sad but beautiful eyes accusingly. But he doesn’t expect this outburst.

But that’s what Ben does. He pushes people’s buttons until there is nowhere else to go. Until they break. It’s what he’d done to Martin. And now he’s done it to Callum as well.

Callum would have been right to walk out on him. He doesn’t deserve the mess that is Ben. He’s a good man who deserves only good things in this world. But Ben is selfish. That’s why he'd so readily thrown himself into Callum’s arms. Because he’s all Ben needs. Because no matter what fucked up shit is going on in the world, he feels safe in Callum’s arms.

They’re lying on Ben’s bed, holding on to each other like they did the night Ben didn’t leave with his dad. But things are much more different now. Callum's been kidnapped, beaten and tortured. Ben's lost his brother… and his hearing.

He can’t stop saying _I’m sorry_ , because he is. He needs Callum to understand how sorry he is. He doesn’t want Callum to leave, to stop holding him. He doesn’t. But he’d known that he’d fuck things up eventually. It’s what he always does. He doesn’t mean to, but sometimes something switches in his mind and he goes off. He can see himself doing all those stupid things and a tiny little part of him wants to stop it. But the bigger part, the part that knows he’s no good for anyone tells it to shut up.

Ben doesn’t know how not to be self-destructive. He’s been alone for so long he doesn’t know how to adapt to having someone like Callum in his life. He doesn’t know how to stop that voice that tells him to push one more time. To say something hurtful. To do that stupid and dangerous thing. He doesn’t know how to stop that part of him that needs to show the world he’s more than that small kid with a hearing problem. The little boy that got bullied by girls. He doesn’t know how to get out of this vicious circle that's turning his life to hell.

What he knows, though, is that Callum makes everything better. When he’s with Callum that voice is a little quieter, not as strong. When Callum holds him, it feels like everything could get better. How he wishes that were true.

When Ben is lying in Callum’s arms, he can forget the world. His pain, his struggles. In Callum’s arms, he doesn’t need to prove anything to anybody. Because Callum loves him the way he is. Somewhere deep down he _knows_ that.

And even though everything in him is fighting against it, screaming and scratching that it’s not who and what he is, Ben needs to admit it to himself. He is deaf. Most of the time Ben can’t hear anything but that loud screeching sound and it hurts so much. All he wants is for that sound, the pain to stop. To be able to live his live normally again. But he can’t go back. He knows he needs that surgery but he’s afraid that it won’t work. He doesn’t think he can survive on those occasional sounds that make it through. Never to be able to hear Lexi again. Never to be able to hear Callum’s voice again, his laugh. Him saying that he loves Ben.

Callum… He doesn’t want to be a burden to him, but Ben knows in his heart he won’t cope without him. Because if he doesn’t have Callum, he doesn’t have anything.

“Please, don’t leave,” Ben whispers after a long moment of silence, the _me_ not spoken out loud but they both know it’s what he really means. 

Callum’s arms tighten around him and Ben can feel his chest rumble. He doesn’t need to be able to hear Callum to know what he says. _I won’t. I promise._

Ben buries his head into the crook of Callum’s neck and holds on a little tighter, hoping against hope that things will look a little better the next day. He falls asleep with Callum’s hand cradling through his hair, soothing a little bit of his pain.


End file.
